Bay Leaves - the Sea Monkeys of the Culinary World

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If you think I'm not still seething with anger over being conned by Sea Monkeys, you'd be completely wrong.
I can feel my heart rate elevate every time I even THINK about a Sea Monkey.
I remember the packaging, with the little seahorse looking creatures with crowns on them, prancing around in their little sea monkey palaces, and I remember DISTINCTLY anticipating the joy a little bowl of swimmy royalty was going to bring me. All I had to do is add water. 
Freaking liars.
I can also tell you that the heartbreak which ensued when I did NOT get oodles of crown wearing Sea Monkeys, or even one TWITCH out of the lame, clearly expired shrimp eggs is vividly burned into my memory as the precise moment in my life when I stopped trusting human beings completely and put all my faith into animals. Real animals, not Sea Monkeys. I have yet to hear a story about a border collie tricking a small, impressionable little girl into buying dried shrimp eggs on the premise she'd have a castle full of lively sea monkeys.
If you know of such an instance, please let me know and I'll rethink my position.
Well I've recently taken a stand on something equally important - the Sea Monkeys of the culinary world - bay leaves.
Oh, please - before all you devotees start in, please know I recently conducted a very well controlled psychological experiment on Facebook, the result of which is exactly the premise I started with. Bay Leaves do nothing for food. Every single koolaid drinking bay leaf user admitted that they cannot, in fact, describe what they THINK bay leaves do for their dishes, and not ONE of them conducted a controlled experiment, in which they made one pot of nekkid stew and one with sea- er, bay leaves in it and objectively compared them.
They just roll along, doing what someone told them to do, and adding bay leaves with no EVIDENCE.
I reject ALL sea monkeys. Even the ones in your soup. I will not succumb to this cooking chicanery. 
My heart has a scar in the shape of a sea monkey, which will not allow me to love a fake food enhancer.
Instead, I choose puppies. Paper: Storytime Designer Series Paper, Crumb CakeAccessories: Adorning Accents Embossing Folder, Rhinestones

Loveyameanitbye.